In my last post, I began to share my testimonies of God’s goodness towards Eke and I in 2014. He really showed me just what faithfulness means and how any attempts at faith and faithfulness on our part are dim flickers in comparison to the brightness of His steadfastness.
In this post, I want to conclude sharing the testimonies of YHWH’s goodness and faithfulness.
So March the 8th saw us move into our own place after about 4 years of being virtually homeless, what a blessing it was. But as much as we were happy, unfortunately the human condition struggles with contentment. Here I was with the independence of a good paying job and the privacy of our own home, but yet for me something was missing.
Where was the promise and fire of the New Year? What happened to all the dreams and breakthroughs I would have? The more I thought about the lack of progress in my ministry and health, the more frustrated I became.
By the time it reached May and I knew that I would be out of a job in the next two months, I was not only starting to feel frustrated but desperate also. Having a job was great, it meant that I had more disposable cash to spend on eating right and looking after myself, but if I was to look deeply at all these outward changes it would seem that they were not having the desired effect. In all honesty, I seemed to be having many more relapses after I started the healing diet in comparison to when I wasn’t on it. I now know the reason (which I’ll share at a later time) but at that time all it seemed like to me was that I was doing my bit and God wasn’t taking care of His.
Beyond the work of the ministry, which was God’s plan not mine all I really wanted was to be well enough to confidently start a family. I had one exquisite day of being absolutely symptom-free and it was so amazing, but within 2 weeks another relapse hit me. All the relapses meant that my life felt like a physiological and psychological see-saw and the dream of falling pregnant before my 34th birthday seemed like a cruel joke. I grew angry and resentful towards life and God and my heart began to hurt so bad.
I began to experience a faith-crisis. Being an INFP, I locked myself up tightly to lick my wounds – away from friends, family, God and even myself – I existed on auto-pilot or I lashed out in pain and tears. I’m not saying all of this for sympathy, or for a nice email saying how much faith I was in need of (I’ve already ascertained just how dismal my faithfulness is), I’m writing this because it was reality and somebody else may need to hear this today. I came very close to throwing in the towel and saying that all this God stuff was a bunch of hewy.
My job ended in July, and Eke was struggling at work. Having a sales job meant that we were just about surviving on his basic wage, it meant sacrifices – I had to go back to eating foods that were not as good quality and not as healthy but were cheap and boy! did I feel the effects of it. It was a very sad time for me. Things got so bad that we had to apply for food vouchers just so that we could eat two meals a day. I attended a job interview at a local school, about 7 minutes walk away at a slow pace and felt sure that I would get it (Eke also quietly believed I would too), they gave it to someone else. My patience with God was at its final ebb.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me there was a flicker of Hope, not the kind of hope that is based on wishful thinking but the kind of hope based on a deeper revelation and knowing. I knew even though it hurt so bad, that I would come out of this better, stronger, wiser with that inner flame of faith shining much more brilliantly. This was God’s Word and promise holding me still, my anchor in a very real and volatile storm.
I remember one Shabbat (Sabbath) in early autumn as Eke went off to church and I decided to stay at home that the War of Silence with YHWH broke. As I sat looking at the brightness of the sun, a ray of its warmth seemed to touch my heart and melt the ice that had been slowly hardening it. I spoke and He answered and He told me simply to allow my spirit to rise and take dominance over everything, even my soul. This was pretty scary for me but deep down I knew if I was going to come out of this whole I needed to not allow the fearful me precedence.
So, thinking back to a post I had previously written on talking to your inner man, I went over to the mirror, looked deeply into my eyes and allowed my spirit self to talk to my soul self. I told myself that I knew I was afraid, and that I knew that I was only trying to protect myself, but I needed to step down and let my spirit take over – and as I said this tears of fear first and then sweet release and freedom began to flow down my cheeks – something broke and healed in that instant. This experience is the basis for my book.
It wasn’t long after that experience that a supernatural shift began to manifest in our physical reality. One evening as I sat contemplating our situation I received a phone call, I had received a missed call from that number before but didn’t pay much attention to it. It was an education recruitment agency offering me the very same job that I had been turned down in. I told her the story of my failed interview and she said that she would get back to me and she did the very next day with the news that the school was eager for me to start with them asap. I was in shock. I told Eke and we both started at each other speechless, we both had such strong feelings that I would get the job so we were confused when I didn’t initially get it. It just went to show that God’s will is unstoppable but we may not read the timings correctly!
I started the job the very next week, bringing in more than enough to cover food and health costs and to add to the testimony we never did have to use the food vouchers in the end – YHWH always supernaturally provided for us – HalleluYAH!!!
Anyway, I had decided when I left my job in the summer to use some of the money and set up my own business. I only had enough to start it on a very small scale, but it was successful enough for me to decide to apply for a business loan. I never realised how much work was involved in the application process, what I thought would be ready by September was taking sooo long that it looked that it might not happen until this year. October our landlords told us that they wanted to sell the flat, with all the drama of getting that place we knew that securing somewhere of good quality, in London would be hard work but possible with God on our side again.
As our two-month deadline approach, we realised we had no deposit and no rent even if we did find a place. Our deposit was secured in our current flat and we had zero opportunity to save, we were stuck with our only hope in YHWH making a way for us or moving back to our non-home. As the time counted down to a week before we had to move out, I received an email – my loan had been approved and cleared! I knew that this money although plaanned for the business would also need to be used to help secure us somewhere to live. We found an affordable and lovely flat on the opposite side of London, it was far from work but our only option so late in the game – we took it and moved in 2 days after our official move-out deadline! Phew!!!
There is so much more that I could share, but these are the highlights and the lowlights to set the scene of God’s continued goodness and faithfulness and how He actively intercedes in our lives. As I reflect back on the 2014 word He gave to me “no more fear/beyond fear” I can see the footsteps of this playing out in my pain and how He graced me with the strength, courage and faith to hold on whilst He was doing the deep healing work that needed to be done.
One thing that I have realised as proprietor of this space, and someone active both in the Christian and secular online community is how people expect a perfect, varnished version of you to look up to and aspire to. I’m afraid I don’t offer that here, but what I do offer is real, true and works – a mentor, facilitator and coach to share what has and hasn’t worked for me on the road to healing.
So my last words to you here today, is to have faith. No, this doesn’t mean squeeze your eyes shut tightly and make yourself sick wishing and hoping for the best, it means to be true to where you are, whilst holding on to the best of your ability to the Truth that is Greater than you.
Reflect (your turn)
What did you learn in 2014 and how has it helped your spiritual growth and personal development?