Another diary entry (God, why won’t you heal me?)
I feel so tight, claustrophobic and You seem so far away like my cries and my pains are nothing to You. I tell you that I am desperate, that I can no longer bear and I asked myself is this the reason for my existence? Do You love me at all? I ask myself what can be worth this, will I kill myself to hear Your voice? I tell You that I can’t make it, that I don’t know how and I’m dying. I wonder if You can hear me, do You hear what I say to You? Do You even care? What did I do to You to deserve this, did I turn my back on You? YHVH, I cannot wait a little while longer. If You love me save me N O W. Please don’t delay, do my tears mean nothing to You? You are the TRUTH, save me in TRUTH.
I NEED You – why won’t You HELP ME? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY? Don’t blame me Father if I can’t make it, please don’t blame me I’m so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so TIRED OF THIS!
Chapter 2 Why?
I think that one of the hardest things to understand when we are in pain is the reason why, why am I like this? Why won’t God heal me? there is the need for people to understand the origins of their pain and ill-health and I was no different. The more doctors I went to, the more health and medical professionals I saw and was referred to whom couldn’t help me the more afraid and confused I became. Like the woman in the Bible with a bleeding issue I sought high and low for answers and cures for my unusual symptoms and very nearly gave up hope. I remember one night, after pouring out my heart to my husband Eke I lay in bed and said to God that He should not wake me up in the morning, I dreaded hell so much that I didn’t want to take my own life (after all why should I suffer in the afterlife as well as the present) but I had no compunction to ask God to remove His breath from me. And I meant it, well around 98% of me did, there were still things that held me back such as a future with my beloved, the ministry YHWH had placed in me and of course the pain that my family would feel after I was gone. But God being God saved me from myself. So when I look back on my diary entries I feel so sad for that woman who was in so much pain both inside and out.
At one point in time I wanted to set up a self help group for people who like me were broken, I guess I needed to have others to talk to and share my experiences with. But as I was setting up and preparing for the sessions, I asked myself “what will we talk about?” And one of the things that came to mind was “why do we fall ill?” And I began to feel like such a phony, did I really feel that I had the answers to the problems of all these people who would come in to the self help group? How could I help others when I couldn’t even help myself? I didn’t even know the answer to the most fundamental question that is on the lips of all those in need, “why?” And I think that question is not just about the origin of our ill-health but a plea to fully understand the mechanisms of our life in relation to God’s plan, I know it was such for me.
So in this chapter I want to deal with the question of why, based on what God has revealed to me and my own experiences along this journey. The first part of the question I want to deal with is what anyone who believes in a higher being has often asked. “If God loves me then why…” And I think this is particularly hard for Believers as we grow up being taught about a God who is a father, loving and kind to all His children. So based on this teaching, when we experience pain or loss we inevitably draw one of three conclusions:
- God isn’t as kind and loving as I thought He was.
- I am not His child and therefore He doesn’t love me.
- There is something wrong with me, maybe I am cursed or have sinned against Him and that’s why He doesn’t love me, I am being punished.
All the above although logical are flawed as they are based on an incomplete or inaccurate understanding of God, I know because I’ve been there.
Join me next week for the next extract from this book.